I sit unbothered while wrapped up in my Kate Spade bedding. I am avoiding the Twitter and Instagram notifications that are appearing on my iPad screen back to back. As I type, I am bloated and uncomfortable because PMS and period boobs can keep a real one down any day. It’s nearly 11 am on a Thursday morning. I have just wrapped up my morning skincare routine, read Rihanna’s latest Vogue feature and finalized a strategy call with a client. The day was moving fast. I was on a roll. And although the day was moving at lightning speed, I felt good about myself. I felt good about the decisions that I was making for the day. “Let’s go get the car washed and grab a passion tea from Starbucks”, I told myself aloud before putting my work down and proceeding with my day.
"Those moments of minor setbacks, bouts self-doubts or indecisions are all a huge part of being human."
It had been four long ass years since I’ve had moments like this. Moments where I could think for myself without feeling the pressures of a micromanager breathing down my neck. The pressures of not feeling like I needed to scream mental health day to find clarity. I couldn’t help but think “is this what honoring yourself and living your best, most authentic life consists of?” The weeks leading up to my 29th birthday was a very pivotal time in my life. It was as if something had randomly clicked and told me to stop playing games, get your shit together and start living for you. What was I doing so wrong before? Was I doing anything wrong at all? Had I forgotten that this journey is about me and only me? What I have learned is, those moments of minor setbacks, bouts self-doubts or indecisions are all a huge part of being human. Questioning myself and my life is okay at times, even when society attempts to deem it as daunting. Repeat after me, “I am not a human train wreck just because I pause to reconsider life or have doubts about my process.” These are the makings of life and neither of them makes us any less successful on our journey.
"Work on not letting the world convince you that you owe it parts of yourself that you do not have the capacity to give."
I have been living off this spark. This spark that says, Amber, this is your life and you are very much in control. Truth is, I don’t know and honestly, I couldn’t tell you what the spark was. I was on this anti-bullshit campaign and fortunately for me, but unfortunately for the world around me, that campaign still hasn’t let up. What was once a spark is now a full-blown flame. I’ve had the opportunity over the last several months to really get in tune with who I am and what it is that I truly want. This is an opportunity that many are not blessed with. It’s not that we all aren’t presented with it, but society is often so busy trying to appease the masses that they often forget what it is like to be self-serving. “Self-love isn’t selfish” is a saying that often rings in my mind when I feel the need to overstep my own boundaries and not dedicate time to myself. I often think about the personal discomfort I feel when I choose self-betrayal over trusting my intuition. The feeling of sacrificing myself for the sake of something or someone else died a long time ago.
“I am not a human train wreck just because I pause to reconsider life or have doubts about my process.”
While the world was recently enamored with Kanye West rants I found myself utilizing the time to dissect the lessons that major moments in media can teach me. Even when the world is vying for your attention seeking to distract you, you possess the power to turn it all off and tune into self. I learned that even amid chaos and uproar there is still a deep connection to self. There is still a deep longing to be still, find tranquility in my own thoughts and not be sucked into the temporary concerns of the world. I discovered that my own silence is golden. Being silent is the easiest way for me to connect to the deepest desires of my heart. You can never go wrong with honoring your truth. You can never go wrong with remembering that you come first. If people cannot fall in line with this truth than they are simply not your people. So as the world continues as it always is, as society continues to be as they are, pose the question to yourself daily “Am I honoring my truth?” Work on honoring yourself. Work on not letting the world convince you that you owe it parts of yourself that you do not have the capacity to give.